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Apr. 16th, 2012

ooh ahh just a lil' bit

My Eric

At this time 7 years ago, I was miserable, sad, exhausted and fairly certain I wasn't going to make it the minute I was released. Leaving the hospital was awful, almost had a panic attack when Josh helped me into the car. I came home, curled up on my bed, threw back some more of my painkillers and didn't bother even moving for days while Josh attempted to force me into getting my pre-Eric life back. I didn't care because I was missing something so huge and knew I would never get it back.

There were nights where Josh and I would lay in bed, sobbing. Worried that Eric wouldn't hear our voices he was so used to and he'd be confused. It was definitely absurd because clearly a baby who is only a few days old cannot process that. Cue even more crying. I knew we chose the best parents there was to raise our son but the loss was still so huge I didn't know where to put all of the emotions because I had nothing left. I would call Catherine crying asking if he was alright.

I had dreams where I would be in bed and wake up because Eric wasn't there. I remember getting out of bed and frantically searching for him until I realized he wasn't there. Which would start my crazy ass roller coaster of grief all over again, haha.

Signing away our parental rights in court was awful. I did not regret choosing to place him for adoption or the parents I chose.. Those were the only two things I DID know. When you sign your rights away before the judge he does not have to allow it. If a birth mom is clearly not ready he won't allow it and you make another court date later. I was doing pretty well for the first few questions but when he started asking me why I felt adoption was the best choice and if I was told about programs that could help me financially and mentally if I chose to keep him. That's when the water works turned on and I was done with. I was SO worried that if I cried too much and couldn't even manage to speak full sentences between the awful sobbing hiccups he would deny the paperwork. He looked at me and as my social worker next to me had tears in her eyes the judge said something about how very few birth mothers show the amount of concern that I did when it came to my son's adoptive parents. Though, I'm sure he probably tells people that frequently to give them some level of comfort with the whole process.
Eric was 6 days old when I signed away my rights and the minute I left the court house I called up Catherine to tell her that it was official, he was legally theirs. We sat on the phone, crying on both ends for a couple of minutes while it all sunk in.

I hid so much from everyone and looking back its just so pointless because I went through all of that pretty much alone. Had I told my best friend or my Mom I could have had them there with me through it all. I didn't though, for fear someone would try to convince me to keep him or because I just really did not want to endure the disappointment I would see in their eyes. Looking back now, it was such a stupid thing to be so closed off about.
That is the only thing I really regret about it. Not telling anyone until Eric was already a few months old. I think about how I stole the moment of the first grandchild away from both parents. They never got the chance to see it all played out until so much later.. Don't think I will ever forgive myself for that. Just that, though.

I am so, so lucky. I have this amazing little boy who adores me more than I could ever have imagined. He sends me these wonderfully loving notes in the mail, his first lost tooth, drawings.. His teacher writes notes to Cath and Jim about how much he talks about me in school. He insists a picture of me must always remain in his backpack, no matter what. Even tonight he asked his Mom if they could call me at 10:26, the exact minute he was born, to tell me he loves me because he knows I will be sad. That is love.
I get to see him on Saturday though! For his birthday party, I will be driving up and then leaving Sunday afternoon to head back to Boise. Very excited to see him again, even though its only been three weeks since I did.



My son went from this:


To this: (almost too quickly)

Feb. 13th, 2012

tattoos

Because she is awesome.

I would just like to say a VERY big thank you to the lovely guaparella for being amazing and offering to send me some coconut m&m's that they don't sell here, and not even let me pay her back. Stoked is an understatement for this coconut whore.

Thank you my dear! You are the best.
;)

Sep. 3rd, 2011

ooh ahh just a lil' bit

(no subject)

For a friend's baby shower.





Aug. 5th, 2011

ooh ahh just a lil' bit

Best part of my week, right here...

My son wrote this to the tooth fairy around two weeks ago and his adoptive mom Catherine sent it to me today.. My heart exploded with love when I opened this. Such an amazing little boy I have!!



Mar. 30th, 2011

ooh ahh just a lil' bit

*twitch twitch*

Alright..
I am a pretty tolerant person. Or so I think.. I definitely am not on board with anything religion related, however I never stand up to rant or judge anyone who chooses to go down that path. Clearly. My mother's entire family is super religious and out of respect I do a great job of never letting on that I am not religious or to contradict anything they may feel or say.

That being said!
I found myself watching a video on youtube for "Gotcha Day" and a domestic adoption. Normally I don't watch these videos because once I start I cannot stop and next thing I know an hour has been spent sobbing at sad videos of babies being placed into the arms of their new parents. As a birth mom, no matter how much you have grown or changed since your adoption, being immersed in it will always tug at your heart strings. Or at mine, at least.

What got me most about this one video though, is how much they said "HE changed our lives forever. HE made this possible." Which.. alright, fine. Then Adria REALLY flew off the handle when the screen caption read:
"We PRAISE HIM for this PRECIOUS gift!"

... yeeeah, about that. I'm sorry but I think that the girl (who, by the way.. is never mentioned or given credit for her loss) is the real reason they are getting this gift, their child. I know for religious people God is like a blue print, where everything starts from.. but I guess as a birth mom, I think this girl out there deserves a hell of a lot more credit for the huge, life altering decision she made and let HER be the reason they are filled with such happiness and love.


I'm still on very little sleep and kinda grumpy about it. Can ya tell?

Mar. 27th, 2011

ooh ahh just a lil' bit

hello grown up Adria!

I am finally in a new apartment and am in love with it. I spent three years at my last place, a studio that was only 200sq.ft with the rent that spiked all the way to 460.00 a month. The new place is amazing! I still live downtown/north end which is pretty much the only place I'll live now... (yeah, I'm a snob. Don't hate me!) It's a one bedroom on the first floor, all hardwood floors, quiet neighbors, lots of storage space, washer and dryer in the basement and I get a garage. A GARAGE!! Garages don't exist for people who live in the north end.. We all just get used to having to park on the street where our cars get exposed to all the elements and once fall hits, covered in sap from all the huge trees everywhere. It's a huge upgrade and my rent here is only 30 dollars more a month.

The couch is pretty ugly.. the fringe hanging all around the bottom isn't helping much either. It was my Grandma's couch and is SUPER comfortable.. I intend to get a slip cover for it eventually.. Luckily it doesn't look super wretched or clash. My best friend Morgan rocks and is going to make me curtains for the huge windows in the front and both windows in my kitchen. I did paint the living room and bedroom both before I moved in because the previous tenant had them looking AWFUL. The bedroom was this melon, bright orange color that hurt your eyes.. and the living room was just a too dark brown for the space. It looks SO much better after all the painting. I have awesome best friends who used their Friday night up helping me paint til 1am. Also friends who spent their Sunday moving boxes around so I could have it all in and sleep my first night here. I almost never hear anyone, it's the best. It's now really starting to feel like home. Life is good.

I *heart* my new house!Collapse )

Dec. 7th, 2010

ooh ahh just a lil' bit

Why yes, I am better.

I have been really horrible at keeping my journal updated lately. I used to write daily, about every detail of my life as it happened and then I tended to just worry about the bad stuff. My goal now is to write about how I've changed and my quest to be better. I re-read some of my older entries and all I could think was "...wow" The old me, the me that I have been struggling to fix and replace looks back and sees what a drama whore I was. I let any little comment get to me and would let my life crash down around me because one aspect of it wasn't good enough. I'm far from fixed but I think I'm in a better place than I have been in quite some time. Having everything blow up with Morgan was wretched but I can see it from her side now. Took me forever to realize it but I'm now seeing how important it is to not constantly need someone, but to want them around. I exhausted many people and I left them unsure of how to deal with me because I was so worried about losing them or having them not stick around. In reality, I as well as they, would probably have been much happier for much longer had I known that before. Better late than never eh? I'd like to think that one day, when she's ready we can try and make our friendship work. I was the one to cause the breakdown so I understand now what a huge, unnecessary weight I put on her and how unfair it was to do that.

I've made a few new friends lately which has been such a great boost. The lovely
_absolutely and I have hung out a lot more and get along really well. Her boyfriend Andrew has really had his world rocked due to a tragic accident that claimed his right hand, which also made me step back and look at how petty my "problems" were. He's an amazing person that blows me away with how composed he forces himself to be around Jenn and Delilah. (also, I won't lie.. ranting and raving over Andrew's ball of crazy family IS quite amusing, Jenn!)


Work is great, I can FINALLY say. No longer working at Jenny's has been such a drastic change in attitude and over all I am just much happier. Jenny really threw me under when everything exploded and I made the mistake of really thinking she would surprise me with her reaction of the news. Clearly, she did not. It was messy, to say the least. After I was honest and told her yes I was burnt out (because she'd been telling this to me the more and more tentative I got about working last minute for her) I was honest and said that yes, of course I was. I work 7 days a week, I am in charge of the ordering, invoices, prep lists, shopping lists, sandwiches, salads, cookies, catering lists, catering prep and keeping the kitchen in order PLUS cutting all the checks for all of our vendors. Throw that in with working extra hours for catering, house sitting and babysitting her daughter. I was honest and told her I do so much without asking for anything and my last raise had been over a year. Plus when we get short staffed I was pulled from the kitchen to help up front because she was never there to help with us during our rush.
She really did expect me to assure her that I love my job and would do anything to keep it. Instead I was honest, after she had said we got complaints about food. Soo.. What did I do? I went through our work email and printed out six emails we'd received just that past month of people complimenting my baking and cooking. A new girl out front had grabbed the wrong tray in a rush of lunch madness, which Jenny thought was my fault and that I hadn't been paying attention to keeping the back stocked. Emily realized her mistake and I switched it out but I think J was just waiting for anything, to go off on me. Emily said sorry and that it was her fault but next thing I know I'm being sent home and "we'll start again tomorrow"
I receive a call a few hours later, not from Jenny... but Shane. She tells me that J knows it wasn't my fault the wrong thing was grabbed but she still feels I am burnt out and need a change. The change? Well! They want me to stay working but if that were to happen I would be starting the next day as the dishwasher/prep person. Also, Lois would be taking over my job and any manager tasks I had would be put on Shane. So, I could return to work the next day with a 7 dollar pay cut while a guy with an 8th grade education takes mine.
Clearly, my answer was no. I spoke to April that day and asked if I could just help out with any hours at all until December when I could get brought on full time.
It's amazing! Having a boss that sees your potential and cares about you enough to live up to their promise.

So.. My new job is amazing. I wake up and WANT to go in. I'm given a list of what needs to be done for the day and that's it. No one to stand over my shoulder quizzing me on what I am doing, waiting for me to mess up some small detail of it. We all just like one another and the environment and energy in the kitchen is always positive and light hearted. Granted, we get in binds and short on time for major events but it isn't a feeling of anger or annoyance.. just urgency and the music playing because we are all busting our asses to finish.
April is pretty much my safety. She's kept me sane and never even hesitated doing whatever it took to get me out of Jenny's. I owe her a lot.

For the most part, life is good. It's busy and filled with really, really exhausting long hours since Christmas is always when people book all of their holiday parties.
Eric really does have my genes, the poor kiddo has to have his tonsils removed on the 16th of this month. He's only 5!! I'm scared outta my skin even though I'm sure there is no reason to be. Catherine is bringing him to Boise for it because the only doctor in Ketchum to do it is booked until February and they want to use Christmas break for his healing time. I have a few of our larger catering events that weekend but what little amount of time I do have, will be spent glued to his and Catherine's sides. My mom is coming for Christmas, the first time we've spent it with her (and Claire!) in 7 years. I think we're going to try and make it up there so we can open presents with Eric and Alex, since my mom always wants to get as much time with him as she can. It's amazing, really. How lucky I got.
I spent a three day weekend with them before Thanksgiving break and had the best time. I spent an entire day with Eric, alone. We woke up early and had breakfast, went to the local elementary school and made snow angels and an ice cave, then made his entire week after taking him to go see a movie at the theater and bought him a box of dots at the concession stand. He looked at me like I was the best thing ever which made me melt. After the movie we went home and made cookies together. The weekend was just spectacular and every time I leave them it just blows me away that I'm so lucky.

Behind the cut I'm posting some much needed pictures. A few are from my trip to Eddie along with some newer Eric pictures.
I have no idea who even reads this journal anymore, since I go through such long stretches of nothing. New York and smitten!Collapse )

Oct. 4th, 2010

ooh ahh just a lil' bit

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I made a proper update. Since Grandma passed away, which was months ago. (It is odd, though.. How something so huge, something I thought I couldn't go a day without trouble breathing over, has already moved into months.) I haven't really spoken to my family since the funeral and service.. We were never that close anyway and Grandma was really the only reason we all made it a point to gather together for holidays or events. That doesn't apply for my immediate family, of course.. I continue to talk and keep in contact with my siblings, parents and Uncle Bruce. The rest though... they're just white noise in the background. After seeing how manipulative and selfish they were in regards to my grandma, it just made me dislike them more than I had already.

While many parts of the last few months have been sad or difficult, there has been a lot of good and positive things happening as well.
I was lucky enough to be there to see one of my dearest friends Tre marry her other half, Mike.. who I have loved since the moment I met. The wedding was in Santa Cruz was four days of the most fun I've had in a looong time. I got lucky and joined in with Wendy, Steve, Pixy, Kevin, Sarah and Curtis to roadtrip it in a mini van. The drive was long and a tight squeeze but even that was hilarious and proved to be an awesome time.
We spent a few days there, enjoying the beach, drinking, the boardwalk, more time on the beach, pub crawls (which is still tied in to a close 2nd with the actual wedding) and of course.. the wedding. It was beautiful! Even just seeing Tre had me choked up. The look on Mike's face when he saw her walking down the aisle was what made me lose it (haha.) It was perfect, I would have kicked myself daily if I would have opted not to go due to money issues and drama (my road trip buddy bailed last second so Wen was awesome enough to let me in with their group to get there)

My other vacation a much needed Eddie fix. It had been two years since I last saw him and with his mom getting sick, we'd talked a lot and he kept saying he'd need me more than ever while he deals with it all. I figured I would be much more affective at comforting him and being there if I was actually there, not thousands of miles apart. I flew out on a Wednesday afternoon and stayed through Sunday. At the end of the trip, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was come back to Boise. I just love it there.. The water, the food, all the fun night life stuff that Boise just doesn't have. We spent a day in Atlantic City where we went to this AMAZING Asian French fusion restaurant. It was likely one of the best meals I have ever had, which says a lot. It was dark, with most of the lighting from candles and strings of lights. Perfect. We stayed in a hotel that night and once again, very impressive. It was a corner room with huge windows and looked out to the ocean. The room was massive and waaay better than we had expected. We gambled a little and have a few drinks before heading to the hotel room for the night.

Saturday was spent in New York, which was soo much fun. It was my first time there so Eddie was lovely and went all touristy with me. Went to Pop Tarts World, a little pub for dinner where we got to chatting with our server and she started buying us shots..
It was just a perfect weekend and now that I'm home I find myself thinking about Eddie and together how good we are.

So, that's a rundown of most of my life since.. Just working a lot (shocking) and being boring with the rest of my time.

Jul. 12th, 2010

ooh ahh just a lil' bit

tell me why..

*Sigh*

Talk about exhausted. It's been just a slew of drama for this last week, making all the funeral arrangements, cleaning out her entire house and life, deciding who gets what, etc. I'm pretty much disgusted with how disrespectful both of my aunts have been. Mary and Julie see everything as dollar signs, nothing more. They want to sell her entire life for a few lousy hundred dollars. It sickens me. After this week of watching them really show their true colors, I've decided to be done. I was never horribly close with them anyway but this is it.

I'm thankful for everything that my Grandma did for us on a day to day basis, even though she knew, as did we, that she wasn't ever really sold on the idea of being a mother and grandmother. It's all rather bittersweet, knowing how much she cared for us in reading her old letters, journals and what she left as her will. I felt guilty taking things from her house, even though I knew they were left for me, per her request. We've all been going over the regrets and "what if", thinking if we had invited her over for 4th of July bbq she would still be alive and with us. I know she'd want us to let go of the guilt and she hated knowing people were worried about her. Hated having to ask for help. So instead of sadness, we had a day of telling stories, looking at pictures, trying to put all the anger aside for one day and focus on her life. We gathered at Elaine's house, got my great Aunt Audrey on speaker phone from Wisconsin so she could hear all of us tell our stories and say goodbye to grandma. We filled the house with pink roses (her favorite) and each went outside to release a balloon while saying our final goodbye. The idea of the balloons sounded tacky to all of us at first but it was actually quite lovely. After that we had a champagne toast (grandma loved her some bubbly!)

I think shock is a pretty deserving word to our reaction of what my grandma wanted us grandkids to have. Learning she left me the black corral necklace was a complete surprise, I was even more blown away when I found out she had set up trusts and an account for me, my sisters and brother. The amount means nothing to me and I'd give it all back to have her for even just another day, to just be with her and ask her all these questions about her life and history. How she met Grandpa, what it was like to travel the world, how she found the courage to move from Wisconsin to California completely by herself at the age of 23. Through some letters she had written and saved I learned she worked for the company that developed the a-bomb. Because everything was written in code, essentially, she had zero idea what it was that she was typing up in all the reports. She was absolutely smitten with a man named Frankie Bartone and promised her father that her heart and morals were still intact and always would be.

On that note, as of this week I am retiring my lovely lil' Honda Ivic. As part of my inheritance, I'm being given my grandma's 2000 Subaru Legacy, which is in perfect condition and very low miles since she didn't drive that much. It will be nice to have a car that has windows that will open, a spedometer that works and a door handle I don't have to dig my fingers into to get open. I am excited for the upgrade, yay!!

It's been a busy past few weeks and looks to be staying that way. On Wednesday I am taking off with the clan to drive to California for Tre's wedding! SO exited!! We leave Wednesday night and I'll be home late Sunday after. It's much needed and will be good to be able to share that moment with my closest friends except Angelo, sadly. :(

Soo much to do before then..
(Psst! Jenn! I promise after all this crazyness wears down we WILL have that hang out session/ baking fun. After the wedding, I have nothing huge planned for quite some time.)

Jul. 6th, 2010

ooh ahh just a lil' bit

....

I'm now just completely mentally and physically exhausted.

My dad is an absolute wreck and no matter how old you are, seeing your father sobbing hysterically will ALWAYS turn you into a wreck yourself. Now everything is just getting sticky and stressful and full of details which makes it so much worse. You'd like to think that something as awful as death would bring family together and really make them re-evaluate their lives and learn to really gather to get through it. Sadly, it brings out the worst in some people and having to just sit back while my Aunts try to swoop in and get anything with monetary value while my Grandmother is still in her house, while we wait for the detectives to leave.

So, my Great Aunt Audrey and my Grandma are best friends, that do everything on schedule and by the book. They call one another every single Saturday morning at 10am Idaho time. They take turns, and alternate by week. It was Audrey's turn to call and when she did she heard nothing at all. Figuring Grandma may have had plans she forgot about (Audrey knew Claire had been in town for our dad's big birthday and we'd been spending time together during the week) she didn't really think much of it. Grandma also never goes an entire day without returning the call. As of Sunday night Audrey had kept calling to hear nothing so this morning around 8am she called up my dad, our cousin Tischa and Julie (she was in a panic and to be safe just called everyone and if the voicemail came on, she'd try the next family member on this list.)
My dad is the only one that has an extra house key so when he rushed over to her house this morning, my cousin Tischa and her two kids were already there, Tischa had just been waiting in the car until my dad arrived.
They unlocked the door, my dad walked in and began calling her name and peeking into doors, when he found her. He walked into her bedroom, and there she was... She was sitting in a chair next to her bed, naked but with her shoes on and laced up. Her bra was in the kitchen floor and her clothes were just strewn around.
Tischa's kids were in the car with her husband Tracy and sadly before my dad could block her so she wouldn't have to see our grandma in such a sad state, she walked in behind him and fell apart.

He called 911. The cops, paramedics and coroner arrived. Because she had been naked and her underwear had blood on them, the detective had to come to take pictures of the scene (we did learn that she had a very small cut on the back of her head and she likely just grabbed underwear to put over the cut) They did say the cut wasn't what killed her because there was hardly any blood/no pooled. We find out tomorrow what the cause of death was...
Dad is a wreck, clearly. When he closes his eyes to attempt sleep, all he sees is her body and so guilty that she was alone when she died. It shouldn't be that way..

She WAS 90 but she had the health of someone in their 70's...We saw her on Sunday for dad's party and she looked great. We had dinner with her on Monday and she showed no signs..

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