It's nearing closer and closer to the best part of my year..
Angelo, Dan, Kaylin and I are going to be driving to my cabin for the entire last week of July. I am more than excited.. it's been 6 years since I have been able to make it out there last since it's so far of a trek. (Roughly a.. 13 hour drive straight through?)
It's going to be epic and amazing.
I'll put up a proper update soon, just need to find the energy. I also need to just tell myself to push through the rest of this stressful month because in just a few weeks I will be here:









Most of my best, favorite memories happened while spending that one week a year in Mineral King.

hahahahah.
Just recieved this on my myspace account and I must say.. it's the best spam mail message I have ever read.
What do ya think guys? I feel he may very well be the one. I mean.. I am what he is looking for in his future MAN.
Best. Ever.

Hello pretty lady,
Thanks for your lovely profile, to me.in fact

reading your profile make me happy and i can see that

you have the qualities that i am seeking for in my

future man.i hope we are going to build love for

future and i know for sure that our lovely

relationship will bear good fruits for future.my love

all i want you to know is that age is nothing to me

but all i am seeking for is the rightful woman who is

caring loving,kind,honest faithful,loyal and

submissive.i hope our future is brighter for us

because looking at the beginning of this letter will

make us have a better future.i hope you are not going

to deceive me as i plan and wish to make you happy all

the times.i hope the future for our lovely

relationship will let things come to reality.i will be

grateful to hear from you if you can give me your

email id so that i can add you so that we can have

good times there and know each other good....hoping to

hear from you with love and many kisses from me to

you.
,kelvin

A rough overview of my week starts.. NOW!

Monday morning I get a text from Morgan saying the baby *needs* flying pie so am I up for meeting for dinner? Naturally, I boasted a very excited "YES!" and invited Travis along. He got to my house around 5 and we hung out here til dinner at 7.

I show up at Flying Pie as they are getting out of the car. As I am introducing Travis to Morgan I see his guy jump out from the car.. I knew right away it was Hank (YEAH! HANK!) but in my head none of it made sense because he's Hank.. and he doesn't live in Boise. Once that realization became clear I pretty much attacked him and followed it by a lot "oh my god! You! Here!? Why?"
They chose not to tell me to make it a surprise... and yeah, wow. It was. We all enjoyed dinner and catching up then all went our separate ways. Travis took me home and left to meet a friend for drinks and I spaced out with my book.

Tuesday morning I am getting ready for work and Jenny calls. I answer, talk to her, hang up and shove my phone in my bra strap while I brush my teeth. As I am leaning over the sink it just drops into the water. Yes. I ruined yet another phone. I suck suck suck. The lovely Angelo loaned me his phone til my new one gets in (which arrived at his house today!)
The day was sorta stressful. Jenny was being very Jenny like and frazzled over having to work like the rest of us. I was trying to get a hold of Morgan and Marcus with no luck.. since hi, I suck and break everything.

Wednesday rolls around and.. I am fairly certain nothing horribly exciting went down. Angelo and I went grocery shopping (?). I worked.. Travis came over in the evening and we watched a movie then went to bed. He has mastered this kissing my neck thing that just freezes me and shakes me to my core at the same time. Wow. I think my nails were ruined from trying to dig them into my windowsill above my head. *shiver*
I also love that I went a year with no sex at all and clearly survived it. Now... I am forced to wait my 5 days a month and it is though my world is collapsing around me or something. He's good. We're good. I have no idea... what we are but it's really encouraging to me that it's alright. I'm not stressing or thinking about the title or any of it. We're just us and it feels good to not be worrying about what it means.

Thursday I went to work like normal and learned my lil' group o' friends were coming in Boise. Hank, Morgan, Marcus and Rei came and had lunch at my work then waited while I finished up. We all went to my apartment so I could change then went to roam around record exchange. I picked up the newest Mirah album and The Hush Sound which I am love love loving right now. Went to Ben and Jerry's for ice cream then spent a long time at Camel's Back while Rei ran around and played.
I did what I HATE about myself. I got way too worked up over something that didn't deserve to get worked up about. I over analyze and rethink everything. I also make everything about me, even if I don't realize right away that I am doing it. This led me to calling Morgan in tears and a panic attack asking her if I did something wrong and what was wrong with me? I pushed her, I know I did. I've had this.. sickening feeling in my stomach all day long because in our SO many years of friendship, we have hardly ever fought or argued.We have had a falling out, just one. One that made me promise myself I would do anything to ensure it never happened again. It terrifies me and I know we have a lot to talk about and work through. I just want to make sure we do work it out. I cannot imagine my life without Morgan. Or Marcus and Rei. That thought makes me feel sick and horrified at the same time. No good. I know she would do anything for me, I just need to work on not asking that of her. She's my best friend, yes.. but she's a wife and mother first. It's harder for me to see that though, since I'm not. I can easily separate that part of me because my friends are first. They will be until I fill that space with the husband and kids thing. It's difficult to see that though, being outside of it.

Work today was wretched. Super super busy and I had SO much prep to do, not including keeping the restaurant stocked on food. Which didn't happen. By 1 we were out of food totally. I was literally tearing apart the reach-ins to try and find *something* to make and put out. Travis was planning to come have lunch wit me but I had to call and tell him everything was gone, haha. I got off work around 3 and met him here. He took me to lunch at Bittercreek and now.. I am home. My phone I ordered came in so I am off to Angelo's to pick it up and have a little ice cream love with him and Melissa.

I've got more to update on but I want to play with my shiny new toy that I hope NOT to break anytime soon. I should keep it in a plastic bag and surround it with bubble wrap. Maybe get some more time out of it.. I suck at not breaking stuff.

Wish me luck? Yeah.

....On a slightly less depressing note-
I'm losing weight like crazy and other than going to the gym a few days a week, I'm not doing anything too horribly different. The jeans I wore today were kind of tight two months ago and fit perfectly last month. Now there's almost an inch of space between my skin and the pants.
I'd be much happier about it if I didn't walk around feeling very circa 1998 when ugly, overly huge, hanging off your ass pants were considered to be quite trendy. Even with a belt on, I still walk around like a jackass having to fix my pants so they don't fall off.

I'll update on all the other good stuff soon.

I've sat down several times over this last week to update but I always seem to get one sentence in before getting distracted and wandering off to a different part of my apartment.
(because it's so.. spacious. Travis was quite shocked to learn I recently added on a media room. haha.)

Life is good. Quite lovely, I dare say. Work has been frantic and it's amusing to think about how slow we were at this time last year. Usually summer puts a major dent in our sales because it slows down so much. So far.. not the case! The restaurant itself doesn't get too horrible but the amount of large orders for city hall, the mayors office, YMCA.. it's overwhelming. I've made food like mad but by 11 it manages to already be sold.
Having Sarah gone for good has made such an impact on me and the entire environment. I was the only one she tormented but her being there and such a negative presence made the entire shop tense and just less fun. Less everything. The schedule is split up so for the time being Jenny works Monday, Wednesday and Fridays with me while April works Tuesday and Thursday. I love love love love it. Both are fun to work with but I've also been putting in waaay more hours lately. Jenny typically leaves as soon as she has her food out, leaving all prep for both sides to me. April is much more helpful but we have to really make ourselves focus or we spend the time just hanging out, half doing prep and the other half talking, gossiping, making mojitos.
(wow. We sound like total slackers that get paid to gossip and drink. To be fair, that's simply one small part of my day.)

I am now in the early stages of planning Morgan's baby shower. I have to say, it's really hard to find hip, fun invitations that aren't covered in glitter or have babies holding onto a rattle. I'm looking for... unconventional but not completely tacky. I know it's a girl, Angelo and I are making the largest cupcakes ever for her cakes (one decorated as per Morgan's request of baby emerging with tap shoes and a top hat. I have a feeling it may end up on cakewrecks by the time I'm done with it.) I find myself getting more and more excited about little TBA. It's hard to think that any little baby can even compare or come close to the amazing and beautiful Rei. She IS as good as it can get on all levels. Overwhelmingly intelligent , even at such a young age. Witty, polite, hilarious, well behaved, beautiful..  I'm just knowing right now that my heart will explode with the amount of love I'm going to have for both of those kiddies.

My days are definitely more exciting and occupied now that Travis and I are hanging out again. I did find a slight cure for this whole sleeping thing..  The nights that he spends here, the minute we lay down in bed I could easily close my eyes and pass out. No tossing and turning, no sleeping pills, no trying to lull myself to sleep by thinking of relaxing things..  Nada! Just crawl under the covers and I'm out like a light if I let myself. The sleep thing needs some work though...  We both always joke about how amazing it would be if we actually went to bed before 3AM  but I don't recall that has happened yet. It's a plus that I get used to working on little sleep because when we crash at 3am and my alarm goes off at 7.30am it feels like I've got sand in my eyes. I've gotta give us credit though, neither of us will give in when it comes to the banter that we seem to feed off of. If people were to listen to our conversations or read the hundreds of texts that go back and forth a day, they would be either amused or instantly exhausted by our determination to trip the other person up. And..  when there is  a winner, it usually is Travis because he good with one liners and I usually end up rolling over and laughing my ass off or sticking with my trademark
"...yeah" or
"ooh noes..."
He says it does not work on him but I disagree. My sunny disposition is wearing him down, one overly dramatic, whiny "..yeah" at a time.

It has been raining off and on all week..  This is the weather I love. Overcast and cloudy, not horribly hot like Boise tends to be mid-June. April is in Portland for the weekend for a "girls weekend" and took her oldest Chris with her so he could spend time with his grandparents. David has an event at the Linen and the last babysitter they used for the kids...  April came home to see she had let them color on EVERYTHING with a sharpie. Torn her desk in her office apart...  the house was a wreck. I then offered to April that on evenings where they need a sitter and I'm not catering with her, I would be more than happy to watch the kids. Sooooo..  tonight is that night! From 5pm til..  who knows. Could be 11pm but since events at the Linen are never on a schedule, I won't be surprised if it's 1am before I make it home. It's going to be interesting..  Only two of the kids to watch which helps. We shall see!

Elaine and Casey were supposed to come have lunch at work yesterday but Elaine had to cancel and asked Casey to call and tell me. He forgot and I sat waiting for them..  Casey feels really, really bad (I may have also told him that he's given me daddy/abandonment issues and the verdict is out if I will be able to come back from it.) So! They're taking me out to lunch today. Huzzah! Casey should forget more often to pass  a message onto me.

So... that's my life. It's a list of a lot of little good things that have managed to make my days more than just bearable. I'm enjoying all of it, which feels amazing.

...this evening just got very, very interesting.
Evening being 2.21am.

wow.

I know ultrasounds are never completely 100% but as of right now..  the verdict is in.

My seestar, my best friend Morgan is having.. 
A GIRL!
*squee*
I don't know if my heart can handle falling in love with another mini-Rei. She's got me wrapped around her little finger, this baby will, too. haha.

So so so so spent. found myself drinking white trash mimosas consisting of lemonade and champagne to get through work. From a powder mix. Yes, I know. Trust me.

It was a wedding at the linen building. The crowd was lovely for the most part, with the exception of a few random people that I get used to expecting for any event. One guy was there with his wife and two kids. YOUNG kids. The son was maybe 2 at the most and they had an infant as well. The dad got so drunk. I mean, slurring his speech, letting his kid run around like a maniac. The kid was sticking his fingers into the cake slices. WHAT THE HELL!? Dad says? "Son.. that isn't nice. Don't do that." *insert laughing now* Not to mention running around as we're serving a plated dinner. No buffet, all passed while the anti-christ is running rampant and licking absolutely anything in his path. The dad spent a lot of time at the bar talking and flirting with April. Poor girl. He was glued to her side for most of the night and I could see his wife was more than horrified. He asked me if I like my job, which I said yes. That if I hated it, I wouldn't do it but that it's hard work blahblahblah. His slurred response "Well. I've been watching, you look gooooood while you're doing it." but I'm fairly certain he was simply having the conversation with my breasts, seeing as that was all he could focus on.
Sad.
Reminded me of my sister's wedding. Our cousin Jason came with his wife and two kids. Amy is amazing, he doesn't deserve her at all. Jason gets drunk and spends the night hitting on random women or asking me if I was aware that I had "stars on my boobies" and did that mean I was a lesbian now. (...?) While Amy looked on with shame. He then made them wait in the hotel lobby for thirty minutes to go home because he was helping "tap the keg."
K-lassy.

Onto possibly bigger news..
(planegirl  ths is mostly for you..)
Not keeping my fingers crossed completely, seeing that this has occured before and the outcome was always the same..  Harsh words and warning but in the end, always finding SOME reason to have her still working there. Well..  Jenny asked me on Friday if Sarah left would I be interested in taking her position and hiring/training someone new to fill mine. Of course, I said yes but didn't put much hope into it knowing what always happens.  Sarah was out of work all of last week, spent time in the hospital for breathing treatments since her asthma is so bad. That's understandable and a perfectly good reason not to come but she continues to smoke. AND drink. Even though she can hardly speak or stand. She'd said she would come in on Friday to help me with prep. By 2 she still wasnt there and she'd emailed us to tell us she couldn't come in. wtf? She knows we never check the email during the lunch rush unless its an order.
So..  she called Jenny today and said she couldn't work at all tomorrow and she wants to have a meeting with her and Jasmison about "stuff" . Jenny is pretty sure its going to be her giving notice.
I feel bad she's miserable, I even texted her telling her I hoped she felt better soon and let us know if we can help. she never responded to it, but meh. At the same time..  karma much?


Wow. Late.. should try to sleep.

I must say, downtown Boise at 8am is perfect. The air is still rather cool, there are hardly any people on the streets, it's silent. I drug myself out of bed at 7am to meet Erin at Goldy's for breakfast and couldn't get over how pretty everything looks before it's littered with people. Breakfast was much needed as well, we finally got our fix.

Travis and I had drinks last night and hung out. I haven't seen him since the Alkaline Trio show which was... four years ago? I was still with Tracey, for the lack of a better term and Ellissa went with Morgan and I to the show. He finally caved and got a facebook account (mwahaha) which is good because I thought he'd dropped off the face of the planet. We went to Bittercreek for drinks then made our way back here where we attempted to watch a movie but instead just criticized each other and learned that I have mastered the inability to operate youtube properly. It's strange, before he came over I was kind of nervous that we wouldn't have anything to talk about or the time would be filled with awkward pauses and silences. I was wrong, which was a relief. The teasing, sarcasm, bullying.. all just came back. It's encouraging to know that even with a four year break in our friendship, we can pretty much pick up where we left off. I had fun, made me realize why I adored him so much in high school. Certain memories get plucked from your brain. Swinging in Camel's Back Park at night, doing absolutely nothing in Econ class while playing on the computer and making unnecessary posts into this bad boy, my livejournal. His reaction to my star, Chaz disliking him so so so much for no valid reason. Most memories consist of laughing or gloating. I do recall in 10th grade my parents were in Aspen for vacation and my wisdom teeth came in something fierce, my entire jaw and cheeks were inflamed and swollen. I was standing outside waiting for my brother to come pick me up to take me to the dentist, he walked by and offered to take me. Playing matchmaker with him and Tre to then realize at prom (after they'd split) I'd had a crush on him. Which at the time reminded me of a really bad cliche, angsty teen movie that I was kinda ashamed with myself, haha.

This post reads to be a bit.. creepy. It isn't intended to be, it's simply encouraging that there are people from high school that I actually miss and don't want to dismiss. (I still sound like a damn stalker, though. I assure you, T. If you read this, you won't wake to me watching you sleep through a window or buying you a star that I named "Adria is awesome" or anything like that.)


I also now have *drumroll*
SOUND! Angelo came and installed a new sound card to my computer on Friday night after we went out to dinner. The attempting to read lips was getting old, I have to admit. Since my computer got killed, the audio drivers refused to work again. It's been like that for quite awhile now, so it was much needed. I've been going download music crazy now that I can actually listen to it.

Bah. I've got to work this evening. Had to work yesterday for a good three hours or so as well, which I wasn't super thrilled about but at least it was just me in the restaurant listening to music and not being interrupted. Today I've got a catering from 4-11 tonight, plus work at 8am tomorrow. So. Tired. The money is good but I can't recall the last time I had an entire weekend off. Yaaay wedding season!

So, my birthday was lovely. On Sunday Elaine and Casey had a birthday/memorial bbq type thing for me. Morgan, Marcus, Rei, Angelo and my dad joined in on the party. I wouldn't have wanted to spend it any other way. Chasing Rei around the house, laughing so hard my lungs hurt later, seeing my little glow worm Morgan and her ever expanding belly. I got awesome presents, all being baking related. haha.
After I dropped Sarah's car off at her house (thanks again, my love!) I met with Erin at her apartment. We talked for awhile and went to have a drink at lush. Being that it was a Sunday night, the place was dead. My neighbors Aaron and Tasha were there and I kind of melted into their group of friends for awhile while they bought me a drink. It was overwhelming in some ways, I had these strangers asking me all sorts of questions about baking. I wasn't even close to being tipsy but the rapid fire of "how did you make that frosting? What was that garnish on the top? Can you teach me how to bake?" made me feel close to crying. Granted, it had absolutely nothing to do with the questions themselves or with the people or situation. I was just feeling stuck and... distanced.
After that, I went home.

My actual birthday, Monday wasn't horribly exciting. I spent it alone for the most part. I went and had coffee (thanks to Sara-tops for my birthday coffee!) and roamed around Record Exchange for awhile. I bought the most recent Camera Obscura album, it's really really good. The RecEx owner likes me for some reason and after overhearing me on my phone thanking my sister for my happy birthday call, gave me a deal on the cd which was more than nice. I still wish I knew his name.. he knows mine. I feel like too much of a jerk to ask, so instead I just make it a point to never need to say his name, haha. After that, Angelo came to pick me up. We went to his parents house for a dinner of MEAT! haha. Wow. They are hardcore about their protein intake, lemme tell ya. Ribs, steak, more ribs, corn on the cob, my AWESOME BIRTHDAY CUPCAKE! It was amazing. Angleo and I have been eying this pan for months now.. a two sided pan that makes a huge cupcake after assembled. Each half of the pan requires an entire cake mix to fill. It was. Amazing. No other words can describe the awesomeness of this pan. It was my birthday present from Angelo ( thanks, baby!) so we made our first cake with it at his parents house. Followed by his adorable grandparents and parents singing me happy birthday, my candle was a huge long dinner candle. It was so so so nice of all of them. It's so refreshing that they treat me so much like family. I adore my family, with everything... but I don't see them a ton. Going to his parents house and having his parents, grandparents and sister just attack me with hugs and refer to me as their daughter, sister, just warms me. I'm lucky. After dinner and cake, Angelo took me home and I tried to wind down before having to work on tuesday.

I arrived at work to see that Sarah was not there. (YAY!) Talked to Jenny, apprently on Sunday, she stopped being able to breath and had to have an ambulance come to pick her up to take her to the hospital. She's been out of work all week and while I am truly worried about her, (even though i have zero reason to be) my work week has been spectacular. It's been FUN! I forgot that was possible. Busy, yes. Lots of catering on top of all my other duties, yes.. but I've laughed. Which isn't always typical in that place. I've been working with Jenny all week and the hours are much longer but she's just... fun to work with. She kicks ass actually.She also gave me a $75 dollar certificate for amazon.com.. and what did THIS girl do? Yeah. Stocked up on even more books... I'm currently waiting for 15 new books coming my way. *YAY!*

The downside is that the present my mom sent me for my birthday, got lost somehow. It was from Sweden when she was there last month. I'm sooo sad and she feels awful. says she's going to send me a backup plan swedish gift, which I told her if it was meant for me but out of guilt sentit my day, I'd be MORE than mad about it.
I love love love my mom. She's the best ever. I miss her so much at times it hurts. The five days I spent with her was amazing and when she jokinly said they;d make their basement to an apartment I really strongly consiered. I feel dfferent with her.. Never sad. I never get those weird bouts of crying overnothing with her.. I just.... love love love my mom. Given the chance, I'd see her daily. It took awhile to get used to it after she'd moved to denver and we longer had our townhouse which saddned me deeply. We bonded more in that house in those two years telling me she was moving almost didn't seem real. Made parts of my world fall apart. Then I saw how happy she is with Tim, how he completes me and loved me, doesn't just see me as baggage or an annoying offspring.
I just miss her. A lot.

Today at work Catherine, Jim, Eric and Alex sent me flowers at work. So so so beautiful, all the customers in line did a sudden "AWWW!" as they were waiting in line.

More to date- Tring to avoid the sad stuffto post abot, that cam come later.As of now right, good is a word to use on, though I do have some emo type ramblings that i won;t being the mood by posting it.

I love you!
sleeping pills kicking in.. will elaborate when my mind has the abilty to type more than one word a minute

All in all, thanks friends. You're my life.

Worrying about friends and family shouldn't be the  only reason to keep going through the motions.

“Unbeing dead isn't being alive.”
-e.e cummings


my pre-birthday birthday was lovely and amazing. I've got amazing friends that would do anything for me, and do.
Update to come on all those events, i'm simply drained and..  fuzzy.

"... The orange was so inviting. I'm going to make a collage of all my conquests then rig it up above my bed."
"I can't believe I'm thinking of how practical you are right now."
 

Lucky me, I survived.
I really thought that last night was going to be much worse than it was. When it comes to Tracey,  no matter how long I've spent apart from him, my body and mind just go back to the old Adria. The way we were before..  everything changed and became so completely different. To be fair, everything has changed and become completely different several times with us. Anyone who knows me well enough, could probably write a book on the subject of us. I'm not proud that I always managed to get sucked into myself and ignore the warning signs, the natural way our relationship evolved into a huge angry mess. I put myself back in that, so did he. At least we both knew it, made it less surprising when it would happen over and over.

It was worth it, we went to Tablerock and had a few drinks, talked more than we've talked in a really, really long time. To be honest, we don't really ever speak..  when we do it's more about surface things. Sex was our form of communication, our bodies would just kind of meld together and we could avoid what was really happening, the problems there really were. We'd trade vocals for bodies and that pretty much destroyed everything else around us. I just tended to take it much harder. Wearing your heart on your sleeve thing gets old after awhile, I must say. I should work on that.
After drinks, we took  a walk down by the river, sat on a bench and talked for awhile longer. It was peaceful, mostly. It's just a struggle for me not to go revert into the Adria before Tracey left mode. Meh.
He said he felt we connected in a way we never had last night, which was true. We spoke.
It still blows me away that I'm so shocked that we only talked and I didn't walk away full of anger.


On a separate note, I've decided this whole anti-depressant thing really just isn't working for me. I am horrible about remembering to take pills anyway, though I've done pretty well with them so far. I don't really feel a huge difference between me with and without pills. I still get rocked by anxiety attacks, even when I'm taking the medicine correctly. My sleeping is no different. I don't cry randomly every day anymore which is a huge plus but is that one thing worth putting prozac in me everyday? I'm thinking no. I got back on them because I had hit a rough spot, speaking lightly. I was a total wreck, crying constantly, not sleeping at all, losing weight, having multiple panic attacks a day, not being able to force myself to eat, nada. Most of that has gone away, but it's hard to tell if it's gone away because of the drugs or because of the work I'm putting out myself to get better. Maybe I should do a bit more research before I decide to go cold turkey on it, I'd feel wretched if I completely lost it and started taking victims down with me in some manic rage. I assure all I won't go Girl, Interrupted on anyone.

Since I've now finished reading the entire Twilight saga (DON'T JUDGE ME!) I searched my personal library for a book to start on, having no luck whatsoever. I have books that I own and have never read, none of them were at all appealing to me. Mostly, they're about struggling with mental health or tragically sad, death and despair, you get the idea. So, I went to Trip Taylor's with the intention of finding "Why Cat's Paint" for Angelo. It had sold since I was there last (cursed!) but I walked out with two new books that fingers crossed..  aren't super depressing. We'll see. I tend to gravitate towards that kind of literature, though. Catherine always tells me I'm Sylvia Plath at heart, which is both endearing and slightly off putting. Either way, I now have new reading material to help occupy my time.

Oh! And! Who is going to see Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley Band in June?
*ahem*
Yes. Right.

THIS GIRL! Woo! Along with my partners in crime Morgan, Marcus and even squishy little TBA. Though, by then it will have a gender to specify with. The baby isn't even born yet but will have attended many concerts before it emerges.
*squee*

hahahahaha. SO not surprised by this one! I am the only me. Not sure if that's amusing or sad. My mom calling me her "special girl" for my entire life is beginning to have a new meaning.

Birth Mother's Day.
I dread it, every year. It's a giant slide show of everything I'm missing. What's lacking. Spending it alone used to be my preference but lately all I want to do is ensure I've got people surrounding me. Makes it more difficult to let my mind wander to him. The probability of me spending it alone is increasing.

He's amazing. Loved. Being raised by two dedicated parents, has a little sister he adores. Everything I couldn't give him, I take comfort in that. It doesn't lessen the crushing feeling in my chest though.

On Monday morning, I'm going to Boise High to speak to a teen living class. This is my third year doing it, I speak to the classes about my adoption. The first year I did it, I was super nervous and remember not having any clue at all WHAT to say to these kids. The teacher asked me to explain my adoption and tell my story. I remember starting with:
"So, I'm Adria. I found out I was pregnant after having birth control fail me. Yay Me! My son was born about a month before my 21st birthday. I remember being in a panic when finding out. I freaked out and my first concern was how would I celebrate my 21st birthday properly, when I had an infant at home. That was a pretty good indication that I was not in a good place to be a mom. That risking being resentful of him later on was too much of a gamble for me. It was the hardest, yet most logical decision I've ever made."

I said other stuff as well..I don't really remember. I just recall getting a call from Lauri a few hours after I'd left. She told me the teacher called her to request I do all the classes if possible, because I was the first speaker to relate to the kids. It felt less textbook and her kids never asked questions, I was the first one to prompt it. So, three years later, three classes in two days.. I'm trying to sort out what to say to them. Last year there were two girls that were currently pregnant. The teacher informed me when I ran into her, that one of the girls chose the youth ranch adoption services for her baby and if I could be her "mentor" when needed. Of course, I said yes. It helped me realize that adoption will always play a huge role in my life but I need to make sure it's not what defines me. It's easy to make it my entire life and get absorbed in stories and helping.. I don't have what it takes to turn my heart off. I've tried but it consumes me. Social work would be a perfect career for me, I'm sure I would do it well. I just know it would kill me, in the end. Adoption has left me teetering on the edge before, dangerously close to throwing in the towel completely. I can't keep letting that happen to me.

Today I learned that one of my closest, dearest, most beautiful (inside AND out) friend is engaged.
Tre, I am over the moon, crying when I read it happy for you. You deserve this and though I haven't spent much time with Mike, I could see the amount of love that just...oozed off of you both. It showed me he isn't going anywhere, even if you wanted him to (haha.)

I love love LOVE you so much! I am so thrilled for you both and like I said earlier, the minute that wedding date is planned, nothing will stop me from being at your wedding.
You are amazing, never gave up on me or the crazy that sometimes occurred but also helped me sooo much by being honest and never sugar coating how you felt. You've been through all of it with me and I just... I love you! Am so happy for you!

(So is my mom. We were on the phone when I read your mom's announcement and I began to shriek "OH MY GOD! YAY! TRE! WHAT!?!" and my mom got all teary eyed when I told her why I was screaming like a banshee, haha. She said to tell you congrats, she loves you a lot and her reaction felt like she'd just found one of her children got engaged.)

So.. congrats, baby. I love you.

...I'm pretty sure he likes me.

Mirah was amazing. She astounds me, her musical ability just had me kind of... stuck in one place, in a trance almost.

He was there. He bought my drinks all night. Breathed me in. Told me I am amazing, a girl he actually looks forward to seeing daily. That my hair smells good. Not to drive home, be careful.. and that he will have my coffee waiting for me when I go into Moxie in the morning before work. Came out even though he works at 5am.. because he's bailed on me a few times and knew I wasn't going to keep giving him chances.
He stayed glued to my side, his arm around me, looking at me even when I was talking to someone else. He asked me all about Eric. What it felt like, how I am now, did I fall in love the minute I saw him, if I was alright.. which after 4 years isn't asked much. (not in a bad way, of course.. the people in my life that know the Eric situation deeply... see me all the time to know I'm alright.)

I feel like a little kid..
"he likes me! he likes me!"

E-cat was there. I forgot how much FUN I have with her, even just in her presence. We had drinks, sang along to Mirah, danced, talked like we haven't since living together.

Tonight? Very good night.

Also.. Happy birthday Eric, my son, my everything. You've changed my life in such a drastic way but I would not take back anything.

First, I'd like to say that the second wedding anniversary of my lovely sister is quickly approaching. They're still happy, too! Imagine that. This was taken on the way to the wedding ceremony.. my lovely having a constant midlife crisis Aunt had managed to sneak a bunch of champagne onto the train, thank god. It was hotter than hell outside, my sister Claire kept making Elaine cry because I had to go to the park when the flowers arrived leaving Claire to help Elaine into her dress. She didn't understand the logistics and kept accusing Elaine of gaining weight. *coughdumbbitchcough*
It was an absolutely beautiful wedding! I am very, very happy for them.


My trip to Denver was much needed. I got a lot of rest to help me recover from my never ending bout with pneumonia. The weather was beautiful for the most part, save for the huge snow storm that rolled in the day I was set to fly out. I had to take an extra day off of work to fly out at 7am on Thursday morning since my later flight had been canceled. My mom and Tim had a total of fifteen inches of snow in their backyard come mid-day. It melted rather quickly so we did a lot of sight seeing. A lot of cooking was had as well.. My mom is an amazing cook but as far as baking goes, she's lacking. She'll admit it with no shame whatsoever. Tim has quite the sweet tooth but most baking mom does ends in lackluster products. (her words, not mine!) In my 5 days I made a yellow cake with fresh strawberries in the batter, with pastry cream between the layers and a lemon cream cheese frosting. It turned out to be amazing. Tim's daughter that is picky as hell even ate a huge chunk of it. Mom asked me to make my granola, which I did. It was sooo good. I took Sarah and Brandon's suggestion and used coconut oil when making the wet mixture. Mom sent some to Claire, her mom and a bunch with Tim when he went to visit his family in Florida for a week. Tim's mom apparently asked if I'd make a large batch to send them and to let her know the price. I SHOULD get on the ball with selling it, people keep asking.. it's just that I fear once I start to get paid for something I enjoy doing, it turns into less of a fun thing and more of a job.. Don't want to get burnt out on the process of it. Also made my cheesecake brownies and the welsh griddle cakes I made with Ang and Melissa a few months back.

Made it home with all limbs still attached, feeling much better from sicker than hell days, endured my mom begging me to move to Denver with her, Tim has suggested several times to make their basement into a full apartment for me and I could live with them and go to school. A very sweet offer and truth be told, I even considered it for a brief moment. Brief being the important word here.

I reflect and wish I would have done things so differently. Wish I would have embraced my pregnancy, rather than hide it. Taken pictures of my belly, to remember it and be able to look at them at times like this, these days. I've got stretch marks to prove he exists, which I hold so close to me and know I would be distraught if they were to fade. I can't go back and change anything, or fix it. Just keep going forward with my life and keeping my bond with him. I'm lucky to have that.
Eric's birthday is in just a few days. It's so strange.. Every year around this time, the week leading up to his birthday, I feel out of control. It's this pressing feeling on my heart that makes it hard for me to be logical about anything. I get in this slump where all I think about is him and everything I miss from day to day life. They called me the other day and his little voice sent my heart into a bipolar mess. "Hi Adra mom! I miss you!" I asked what he wanted his cake to be from me (since his second birthday, I've taken it upon myself to be the cake maker. It's adorable because he gets SO excited that I ask him whatever he wants and always deliver.) He has been offering suggestions to Catherine for the last three months, I've been told. After much deliberating, he has decided to go with a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. hahah. So simple, yet so taxing on his mind.
Here he is just minutes after being born, so perfect.



So.. yes, that's pretty much all I've got. Here's a picture of me and my mommy when we went on a hike to the red rocks, they're huge and beautiful. It blows me away how scattered but enormous they are.

"...and then suddenly, without willing it, he was thinking about Martha. The stresses and fractures, the quick collapse, the two of them buried alive under all that weight. Dense, crushing love. Kneeling, watching the hole, he tried to concentrate on Lee Strunk and the war, all the dangers, but his love was too much for him, he felt paralyzed, he wanted to sleep inside her lungs and breathe her blood and be smothered. He wanted her to be a virgin and not be a virgin, all at once. He wanted to know her. Intimate secrets: Why poetry? Why so sad? Why that grayness in her eyes? Why so alone? Not lonely, just alone-riding her bike across campus or sitting off by herself in the cafeteria-even dancing, she danced alone-and it was the aloneness that filled him with love. He remembered telling her that one evening. How she nodded and looked away. And how, later, when he kissed her, she received the kiss without returning it, her eyes wide open, not afraid, not a virgin's eyes, just flat and uninvolved. "
-The Things They Carried
Tim O'Brien