There were nights where Josh and I would lay in bed, sobbing. Worried that Eric wouldn't hear our voices he was so used to and he'd be confused. It was definitely absurd because clearly a baby who is only a few days old cannot process that. Cue even more crying. I knew we chose the best parents there was to raise our son but the loss was still so huge I didn't know where to put all of the emotions because I had nothing left. I would call Catherine crying asking if he was alright.
I had dreams where I would be in bed and wake up because Eric wasn't there. I remember getting out of bed and frantically searching for him until I realized he wasn't there. Which would start my crazy ass roller coaster of grief all over again, haha.
Signing away our parental rights in court was awful. I did not regret choosing to place him for adoption or the parents I chose.. Those were the only two things I DID know. When you sign your rights away before the judge he does not have to allow it. If a birth mom is clearly not ready he won't allow it and you make another court date later. I was doing pretty well for the first few questions but when he started asking me why I felt adoption was the best choice and if I was told about programs that could help me financially and mentally if I chose to keep him. That's when the water works turned on and I was done with. I was SO worried that if I cried too much and couldn't even manage to speak full sentences between the awful sobbing hiccups he would deny the paperwork. He looked at me and as my social worker next to me had tears in her eyes the judge said something about how very few birth mothers show the amount of concern that I did when it came to my son's adoptive parents. Though, I'm sure he probably tells people that frequently to give them some level of comfort with the whole process.
Eric was 6 days old when I signed away my rights and the minute I left the court house I called up Catherine to tell her that it was official, he was legally theirs. We sat on the phone, crying on both ends for a couple of minutes while it all sunk in.
I hid so much from everyone and looking back its just so pointless because I went through all of that pretty much alone. Had I told my best friend or my Mom I could have had them there with me through it all. I didn't though, for fear someone would try to convince me to keep him or because I just really did not want to endure the disappointment I would see in their eyes. Looking back now, it was such a stupid thing to be so closed off about.
That is the only thing I really regret about it. Not telling anyone until Eric was already a few months old. I think about how I stole the moment of the first grandchild away from both parents. They never got the chance to see it all played out until so much later.. Don't think I will ever forgive myself for that. Just that, though.
I am so, so lucky. I have this amazing little boy who adores me more than I could ever have imagined. He sends me these wonderfully loving notes in the mail, his first lost tooth, drawings.. His teacher writes notes to Cath and Jim about how much he talks about me in school. He insists a picture of me must always remain in his backpack, no matter what. Even tonight he asked his Mom if they could call me at 10:26, the exact minute he was born, to tell me he loves me because he knows I will be sad. That is love.
I get to see him on Saturday though! For his birthday party, I will be driving up and then leaving Sunday afternoon to head back to Boise. Very excited to see him again, even though its only been three weeks since I did.
My son went from this:
To this: (almost too quickly)